Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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