I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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