Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
