It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
