tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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