Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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