i will never coherently bang her
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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