She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
