Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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