i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
