Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
