my mouth tastes like poor choices
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
