his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
