Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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