Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
