I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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