I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
