I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My penis needs a shock collar
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
