I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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