I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
