No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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