I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She needs sedatives and a leash
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
