i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So squirting runs in the family.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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