Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
