I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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