This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
