how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
