he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
