Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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