Got a toothbrush?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
