I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
