god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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