She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
