Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
