My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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