wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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