They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
