So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
