Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
