I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
