Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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