I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
