You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The power of my boobs compel you
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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