and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
