I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
