At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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