Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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