If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
