I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
