Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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